Bleed For Me
by Zefiros83
Summary: BA, early S3. Buffy's saddened that her friends and family aren't supportive of her relationship with Angel. She's beginning to think they will never understand, when the latest nasty in town gives her a welcome distraction. Plz R
1. A Lapse Into Passion

**BLEED FOR ME**

Author: Zefiros83  
Disclaimer: Characters from BtVS belong to Joss Whedon. Or to Mutant Enemy. Or to whoever it is that owns them. g I'm just borrowing them for fun.  
Distribution: Want, Take, Have. That simple.  
Rating: R for some good amount of reason. And well, adult themes.  
Summary: B/A. This story takes place in the middle of S3, beginning right after everyone's found out Angel's back from Hell. Buffy's saddened that her friends and family aren't supportive of her relationship with Angel. She's beginning to think they will never understand - when the latest nasty in town gives her a welcome distraction. Plz R&R.

**CHAPTER 1. A LAPSE INTO PASSION**

_I went to the Garden of Love,  
And saw what I never had seen;  
A Chapel was built in the midst,  
Where I used to play on the green._

_And the gates of this Chapel were shut,  
And "Thou shalt not" writ over the door;  
So I turned to the Garden of Love  
That so many sweet flowers bore._

_And I saw it was filled with graves,  
And tombstones where flowers should be;  
And priests in black gowns were walking their rounds,  
And binding with briars my joys and desires._

_- William Blake -_

A pair of feet landed squarely on a patch of green grass. "Come on, where are you guys?" Buffy Summers whispered in a tense voice, her eyes scanning the surrounding darkness. Rows of crumbling tombstones stretched into the shadows of Sunnydale Rest, one of the many cemetaries in the sleepy suburbian town. At two o'clock in the morning the cemetary was eerily silent, the only sound being her own nervous heartbeat, scampering in her chest.

She saw nothing.

A sudden gust of wind ruffled the nearby trees, inciting the chilly night air to a chorus of frantic whispers. Buffy shuddered, clutching her stake with a force that was likely to splinter the wood. "You know, the hide and seek routine - really not what I had planned for tonight." She muttered in frustration.

She'd been following a group of five vampires, behaving wicked conspicuous, but lost track of them right outside this cemetary. Buffy thought it was possible they'd decided to search the grounds for a quick snack, but even in Sunnydale, the cemetaries weren't big hangouts for mortals after nightfall. It wasn't likely they'd find anyone there. So why go there, Buffy wringed her brow. Unless they were graverobbers, of course.

"God I love my job." Buffy sighed heavily, and resolved once more to finish off the party of five, before going home for a really hot shower. And sure enough, circling around one of the many old crypts there, she heard low voices, talking about something. She couldn't quite pick out the words, but peeking from behind the corner she saw the group, settled next to a mossy stone fountain.

The vampires wore similar clothes, battle armor that slightly resembled that of the Three. But now there were five of them. Buffy shook her head in mild amusement. These dark forces she was supposed to fight, weren't getting any more original. Not that she was complaining. The Three had been easily defeated. Perhaps the only time when Giles' brilliant advice of 'ignore it and it will go away' had actually worked! If the five were anything like them, this shouldn't be too straining. Should things turn too rough she could always just bail and let their boss take care of them. But looking at the group, Buffy doubted it would come to that. _Throw five snarling idiots my way anyday._

"Boy, nobody sure told me about this lovely little gathering. I would've brought my party-hat." She said as she strolled along to the five vampires, giving them a clear view of her. Too stunned to react, the vampires kept gaping at her, enraged growls rumbling from their chests. "Why is it you guys always keep me out of the loop? Is it because of the pulse-thing that I have? Don't you think you're being a tad discriminative."

"You insolent brat! We're on a sacred mission given to us by Savina herself!" The tallest of the vampires snarled. The group seemed to have finally stepped out of their stupor, and began advancing on her with predatory excitement in their expressions.

"And that would be who? Newest busty blonde star of daytime television?" Buffy stood her ground, crossing her arms relaxedly. It took more than just a few vampires to frighten her.

The vampires simply growled in response, the colour of their eyes shifting to a gleeful amber glow. "You shall learn her name soon enough, and speak it in fear as the rest of them."

Two of the vampires attacked, but Buffy managed to dust both of them without so much as breaking a sweat. Boldly she turned her attention back to the remaining three.

"Who's Savina, and what's she doing in my town?" She asked.

"You'll find out, when I feed you to her myself!" The nearest of the vampires snarled, as it leapt towards her.

"Pay attention boys and girls, the proverbial empty threat." Buffy sing-songed, and stabbed the pointy end of her stake accurately into it's target. The charging vampire exploded into a cloud of dust.

Next in line was a light brunette on the shorter side. "I'm gonna suck you dry, little slayer.." He threatened, licking his narrow lips.

"Gosh, is coming up with original threats, like, a mission impossible for you guys? Might throw me off my game." Buffy proclaimed as she delivered a well aimed roundhouse kick to his head. She followed up with an upper-cut and as vampire staggered back, she plunged in with her stake and caught him in straight in the heart.

As the fourth vampire crumbled to dust, Buffy realized someone was missing. The eldest of the group was no-where to be seen. "..Chicken." She muttered in disappointment, and stepped over the ashes of her most recent slay. _Since when had vampires started running from slayers? _If this behaviour spread, her work could quickly turn unpleasant. No way was she chasing the fleeing undead, not the way they could move. And staking something that was on the run (and possibly screaming or wetting his pants) just didn't give her the same kind of happy that dusting one in hand-to-hand combat did. It would be hard to see herself as saviour of the world, if her adversaries were mostly wussies who wouldn't even face her. Blah. _Vampires_, she scoffed and turned to leave - when suddenly a glint of something metallic in midst the grass caught her attention.

She grouched down and picked up what looked like a golden earring. It was a relatively big one, and carved full of familiar looking symbols. _Now, what had Giles called these again. Runes, or something._

"Boy, I guess nothing says evil like ugly jewelry.." Buffy muttered, as she shoved the earring inside her jacket pocket. She'd show it to Giles, just in case it was one of those infamous 'cause-of-research-party' objects. But then again, it was Giles she was talking about. He made christmas into a a 'cause-of-research-party' object. She was sure that once the name Savina was mentioned, he would not stop running the name through his books until the cows came home. Buffy wringed her brow as a sudden thought entered her tired mind. _Do cows actually come home? Had they left? Were they runaway cows, in search of better life? _She sighed in frustration. Now it was gonna bug her all night, thus adding to the things that normally prevented her from falling asleep.

_Just what I need, less sleep. Less blissful oblivion. _Buffy took a lungsful of the cool night air, and strolled along the dimly lit path that wound through the whole cemetary. She was determined to finish up her patrol, since there wasn't much left of it anyway. Just because you met a bunch of looney vampires didn't necessarily mean red alert._ No wait, Sunnydale. The home of America's biggest Hellmouth. Where seeing thick velvet curtains in front of small basement windows could only mean one thing. _Buffy sighed. She should go straight to Giles'. Spill the beans. Try not to widen the gap between them that was created by Buffy's decision not to tell him about a certain deceased who'd recently returned from Hell. But couldn't going straight to her Watcher wait until monday?

Torn by her indecision, Buffy wandered into the oldest parts of Sunnydale Rest. Giles would probably not mind, Buffy thought, if she appeared on his doorstep at three a.m. in the morning. No, he'd probably be happy that she was there, to provide him with a new and exciting reason to panic. At least this wasn't like last time. Like then. When she'd literally screwed the soul out of her boyfriend, and then sent him to hell, only the memory of making love to her fresh in his mind.

Buffy heaved a sigh. She glanced up at the full moon, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall. _Oh, Angel.._

When she'd finally given up hope of ever seeing him again, he was suddenly back again. A part of her leapt with joy each time she repeated that sentence in her thoughts. It had become quite the mantra of feel-good for Buffy.

_Angel's back, he's back and he's here.._

But things weren't the same anymore. Everytime she looked at him, she could feel his pain and frustration, almost as acutely as he did. She would watch him twitching in his nightmarish visions of Hell, his face drawn to a mask of pure agony. Nothing she said or did seemed to comfort him. And when she visited him during the day, he'd always be sitting slump in some shadowy corner of his mansion, staring blankly ahead of himself, guilt-ridden and miserable. Wishing perhaps, that he'd never been forced into this situation, into dealing with everything he'd done.

_After centuries in hell, after countless hours of blinding torment_, Buffy winced at the thought, _he still couldn't forgive himself._

Her friends and family certainly wished he'd never returned, with the exception of Willow perhaps. They wanted Buffy to join in their little 'Let's hate Angel' club. And she couldn't. She wouldn't. To leave Angel alone, wallowing in his self-hatred - it went against everything she'd ever been taught of right and wrong. _You just don't turn your back on someone you-- Egawds. _Buffy's eyes widened as it finally sunk in. _On someone you love. _After all they'd been through in the past year, in spite of everything that had been said and done.. she still loved Angel. No matter what people thought of her feelings for him, it didn't change them - she'd just gotten more careful about who to share them with. She saw herself become this quiet, guarded person who couldn't trust the people around her to accept her the way she was. And she hated it.

She hated not being able to do anything about the whole situation. She was supposed to make everything better, god damnit! She was the Slayer, the Chosen One, the hope of the friggin' free world! When had she let her own life become such a mess? The way things were now, she'd rather take on all the demons and vampires in the world than face the complications of her screwed up, everyday life. Huh. Whoever thought that one day she'd consider slaying an escape. Buffy shrugged abjectively.

Who needs a Hellmouth, when you can have relationships.

* * *

Taking a shortcut through the park, Buffy had ended up walking right along the edge of the duck pond. All around her she could hear life - crickets, an owl, frogs croaking in the rushes. But she was so distracted by her own inner torments, that she couldn't even sense the vampire walking up to her from behind. A few feet from her, he stopped abruptly, taking in the sorrowful demeanour of the petite golden blonde in front of him.

"Penny for them." He spoke up in a soft, masculine voice.

Buffy started at the sudden interruption, and turned around with a jolt. She saw Angel standing nearby, dressed entirely in black. "God, I guess there's just no way to convince you that sneaking up on me is still not my idea of a romantic surprise." She sneered at him. "Come to think of it, surprises in general tend to be of the bad around here. So just.. cut the stalking."

"Sorry. I just.. You looked like you had something on your mind."

"And you didn't want to disturb my Kodak-moment. Got it."

"So.. Is it a demon thing?" Angel asked, silently walking over to Buffy's side.

"Huh?"

"What you were thinking."

"Isn't it always?" Buffy sighed bitterly, and threw a flat stone into the dark waters of the pond. The stone skipped twice before it sunk into the shallow black water.

"Anything I can do?"

"Apart from stalking me?"

"Don't want me around? Fine. I'll go." Angel mumbled in disappointment, and turned to leave.

"No, Angel wait." Buffy grabbed his arm and looked up at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't lash out at you like that. But it's just that you're.."

"A vampire?" Angel offered, frustration in his dark eyes.

"A convenient target." Buffy corrected pointedly, shrugging off the very distracting notion of how gorgeous Angel looked in the blue shimmer of the moon. "You're like the only person I can really talk to anymore. The only one who listens and does that whole non-judgemental thing, you know? Unlike some other people.."

"So.. I'm guessing it wasn't a demon thing after all."

"No demon. Well, besides you."

"Giles' still giving you a hard time?" Angel guessed.

"Yeah, it's like everytime we meet he goes all 'spill the big dark secret'. And I'm like there's something I should know that I so totally don't? Why is he suddenly Mr. Paranoia? It's not like every week I'm hiding the ex from Hell!"

The moment she said it, Buffy felt like hitting herself. _Way to hurt his feelings, girl._

"Gosh, It's really getting hard to talk with all these pesky feet in my mouth. I'm sorry. Didn't mean the whole.. You know."

"I guess it's OK. I mean, we are ex now, and as such we should feel--" Angel stared at her, suddenly very dry in the mouth.

"--Like astranged, distant acquaintances." Buffy finished his sentence, caught up in the desire that burned in her lover's eyes.

"God Buffy.." Angel breathed out, a plea of mercy that he knew would go ignored. He stepped closer and lowered his lips to Buffy's delicate mouth.

"I know." Buffy whispered hoarsely and leant in for the kiss, her fingers soon finding their resting place at the side of his neck. Feeling the familiar cool flesh under her fingers, Buffy tightened her grip. Their kiss had become fervent and she could feel the way his muscular body leant into hers, needing to feel her body closer. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her body to his, until nearly every inch of her was rubbing up against him.

She tilted her head to the side, allowing his expert lips to wander across the nape of her neck, sending wonderful thrills down her spine. She sighed in utter content, closing her eyes to be fully swept away by all the little touches of his fingers that seemed to be everywhere. Her brain dimly recognized Angel was undressing her, and something told her she should not let him do this. But her thinking had reduced to 'talk, bad, touching, good.' She felt Angel's blunt teeth grow to their full demon length, as he slipped into his game-face, too lost in their unfulfilled lust to notice, or care for appearances. His sharp canines scraped her skin, never breaking it though. Buffy's spider-sense reacted to this kind of touching, but not the way one would expect.

It drove her insane with want. She threw her head back, incoherently mumbling something about wanting him inside her now, screw the public place and the world and whoever else that might have something to say. And she felt his hands on the inside of her thighs, his lips on her bared breasts, then slowly, she felt them trail weightlessly over her stomach, lower, lower, until her world was nothing but a haze of blurry watercolours, and panting and 'I love you's howled into the night.

* * *

"Angel..?" Buffy awoke with a jolt. Her eyes were bleary of deep sleep, and for the first time in a long while she felt rested. Languidly she stretched her lithe form, taking in the luxurious feel of silken sheets against her bare skin. But the thought that had awakened her from her sleep wasn't about expensive linen. It was something else, something much darker and about last night.. Suddenly Buffy's whole body stiffened with dread. The soft, plump pillow under her head was permeated with an earthy masculine scent. Angel's scent. She was at Angel's, without any recollection of how she'd ended up there, with the exception that she'd definately slept with him somewhere along the way. And more than once.

Buffy turned around very slowly, mentally bracing herself for the demon that wore Angel's face. She fully expected to see Angelus leaning against the doorframe, leering down at her. But instead she saw her lover, sleeping peacefully on his side of the king-sized bed. Obviously, had he lost his soul at any point of the night, he would have woken up to it - and certainly, wouldn't have gone back to sleep in the same bed with her. Not even Angelus was that twisted. Since it seemed like they were essentially in the clear, Buffy heaved a sigh of relief and relaxed back on the bed. Any day that didn't start with Angelus and promises of slow, painful death was a good day in her book.

Now she could focus on basking in the afterglow, and watch Angel sleeping quietly beside her. It was an experience she'd badly craved on the morning after her seventeenth birthday - and now she could finally have it.

As her eyes raked over Angel's half-naked body, she felt an intense stab of lust and protectiveness. He didn't breathe as he slept, apart from the small sighs and exhales every now and then, but he looked so utterly human and vulnerable with his rumpled hair and shut eyelids. The thought of Angelus never crossed Buffy's mind, although she was sure the shadow of Angel's demonic self would always loom over their relationship. Instead of dwelling on such unhappy thoughts, she concentrated on his face and the aura of serenity that surrounded him. This time, there was no pain or nightmares or guilt to distract her from the beauty that was him. Buffy reached out her fingers silently, hoping she wouldn't wake him, and traced the side of his face lovingly with her fingers. Her tender administrations were enough to wake him though.

She smiled warmly as his eyes fluttered open and settled on her. Instead of the hollow void she feared to see, her eyes met the warm greeting of his soul. "Hey." Angel mumbled, his voice muffled against his pillow. The tiredness in his eyes was edged with lighter, softer tones, and his entire being seemed to smile at her like a miniature sun. So that's what he looked happy, Buffy observed with a mischievous grin. _I plan on seeing that more often._

"Morning." She responded lamely, content in lying there with her eyes locked to his. "Just wanted to make sure you were still.. you."

Angel's expression suddenly turned very serious. "What we did last night.."

"I know. A bad, bad thing. Can't happen again. But Angel, how come--"

"I still have my soul?" Angel guessed, having read the look of worry on Buffy's face.

"So I'm guessing you're of the clueless too, huh?" Buffy wringed her nose in distaste.

"Yeah." He grinned lopsidedly, taking a mental photograph of his girlfriend's expression. She looked cute.

"You did have a.. uh.. you know?"

"Moment of perfect happiness? Yeah. There never was any doubt about that, with us."

"Are you sure?"

"No matter what Angelus.. I.. might have told you before.. I've only lost my soul with you."

"Don't I feel special." Buffy frowned. "Look, I should head back home. Mom'll get suspicious."

"Buffy.. You don't regret what happened, do you? I know we should, you know, regret, but.. I don't." Angel spoke, with a sincerity that reached his eyes.

"Angel, don't ask me that. When we made love.. it was incredible. For a moment there, I felt like.. like I touched heaven. Like it was this tangible mass of warmth and light right there in front of me, within my grasp and now.. It's gone. And I have to return to living my life. The one with the demons and the darkness. And after last night.. it's all that much uglier. How is that better for me? But you ask if I'd want to erase the day, if I could, somehow? Not for the world."

"Buffy.." Angel reached out for her hand and squeezed it gently.

"Just don't, OK? You can't make it better." Buffy shook him off. "I have to go."

* * *

Buffy had been wandering the empty, early morning streets of Sunnydale for hours. She'd wanted to get her head straight before facing her mom - and to find some explanation for her behaviour last night, but nothing came to mind. The only excuses she could give herself were not very flattering, and certainly weren't something she'd want to repeat to her friends and Watcher. What was she supposed to tell them, that she had endangered all their lives because she was horny and lonely? That when the first opportunity to sleep with Angel had presented itself, she seized it without a second thought? So to speak. But anyway, it wasn't like her to act so irresponsibly. What on earth had possessed her to give in to desire? Angel had attempted the rational approach, he'd given her every chance to back out but she'd insisted. Perhaps out of the need to feel something, anything. But what was she going to tell her Watcher, if anything at all? There had to be a PG-version of last nights events, one that left everyone smelling like roses. If she could only come up with such a story..

All Buffy's hard thinking had amounted to though, was sore feet and not a lot of answers. So she'd turned back home and climbed up the tree to her bedroom window, only to find her mother sitting there on the edge of her bed, facing away from the window. Buffy considered turning back and leaving the way she came, since the last thing she wanted right now was another argument with her mother over her slaying-hours. But instead of the usual fearful apprehension she felt towards confrontation, this time, Buffy felt confident enough to take on anyone who dared to challenge her - including her mom. So she let her backpack land on her room floor with a thud, thus alerting her mother to her presence.

Joyce immediatly stoop up and faced her daughter. "Buffy, where on earth have you been all night! I was worried sick!" Joyce's voice was raised in disappointment and anger, but in her eyes flickered a genuine concearn.

"I was out. Patrolling." Buffy replied flippantly. It wasn't a lie, exactly. She had been patrolling like a good little slayer.. until that other thing that happened.

"I couldn't stop thinking you were lying somewhere, wounded, or-- Buffy I need you to be home, safe, before midnight. I thought we had an agreement." Joyce scolded her.

"Mom, I'm fine. Last night, I just had some.. un-scheduled slayage."

"Well, it's a good thing it isn't a schoolday today. You must be beat."

"Not really."

"Then why don't you change and come down for breakfast."

"Sure mom. That'll be nice." Buffy said, and mustered a pathetic little smile on her face that never quite reached her eyes.


	2. Insomnia

**BLEED FOR ME**

Author: Zefiros83  
Disclaimer: Characters from BtVS belong to Joss Whedon. Or to Mutant Enemy. Or to whoever it is that owns them. g I'm just borrowing them for fun.  
Distribution: Want, Take, Have. That simple.  
Rating: R for some good amount of reason. And well, adult themes.  
Summary: B/A. This story takes place in the middle of S3, beginning right after everyone's found out Angel's back from Hell. Buffy's saddened that her friends and family aren't supportive of her relationship with Angel. She's beginning to think they will never understand - when the latest nasty in town gives her a welcome distraction. Plz R&R.

**CHAPTER 2. INSOMNIA**

_I turn you out of doors  
tenant desire_

_you pay no rent  
I turn you out of doors  
all my best rooms are yours  
the brain and heart_

_depart  
I turn you out of doors_

_switch off the lights  
throw water on the fire  
I turn you out of doors_

_stubborn desire_

_- Alain Chartier -_

First thing Buffy did on every monday morning was report to Giles - and today was no exception. As she pushed open the library doors, she immediatly saw her Watcher stepping out of his office with a white mug in his hand. "Oh, hello Buffy. How was uh, patrol?" Giles greeted her as he sipped his tea.

"It was good." Buffy blurted out in a rush.

"Really? You mean nothing happened, or--"

"Actually, I came by these five vamps stuck way back in the dark ages. I staked four of them but the leader got away. I think he dropped this." Buffy reached in her pocket and pulled out the golden earring she'd found on saturday night's patrol.

Giles raised it against the light and studied it up close. "It's an earring? And the vampire was wearing it? Are you quite sure?"

"Uh-huh. Anything you can tell me about it?"

"Well it's old. These runes look familiar.. It's probably the mark of a vampire order of some kind. I'll need to research it some more. Anything else you can tell me about them?"

"Nope. All I got was that they were running some kind of an errand for this chick Savina. Whatever she wants, it's in Sunnydale and it can't be good. We've probably not heard the last of her."

"I agree. It's very likely that this 'Savina', who or whatever she is, has more than just five vampires at her disposal. I shall have to contact the Council on this, find out what they know about her. Meanwhile, I suggest you patrol as normal.. and keep an eye out for this order." Giles advised. "We'll reconvene here.. let's say on thursday before school? I'm sure I'll have more to tell you then."

"Can do." Buffy smiled at him, and turned towards the door. Her first class of the morning was about to start and she didn't want to be late for it.. again. She was just about to leave, when suddenly Giles called out after her, a look of worry on his usually stoic face.

"Buffy? Did something else happen on patrol? You seem.. out of sorts." He asked.

Buffy shrugged nonchalantly. "Nothing. Just your garden variety vampires, looking for trouble. Guess it just bugs me the one got away."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you'll get a second chance at slaying him." Giles reassured her.

"Yeah, I'm sure I will. Thanks Giles." Buffy smiled at him weakly, and made her way out of the library and into the corrridor outside. She hated lying to Giles and keeping things from him - but he would only blame her if he knew, and demand her to be more responsible. And right now, Buffy was hearing a-plenty of those accusations in her head. She didn't want her Watcher to join in for the chorus of her inner 'I'm a horrible slayer and also a bad person' song. She knew if it hadn't been for some gargantuan stroke of luck, Angelus would be roaming the streets of Sunnydale, free to do what ever horrible things he wanted. And this time, it would have been nobody's fault but her own. And maybe, a little Angel's too. I mean, it was hardly her fault he was so damned irresistible.

But as things were, nothing had happened. So as far as her friends and Watcher were concerned, it had never happened. Nobody needed to know.

The only thing was, she knew all too well that it had happened, and no amount of self-reprimand could make her regret it. She'd finally had that perfect night with the man she loved, but now.. circumstances made the whole thing seem dirty somehow. She wanted to bask in her happiness and remember every touch and word exchanged but instead, thinking about it only made her feel sad and ashamed. Not least because she knew it could never happen again. Testing the curse was definately not something she took lightly, nor did Angel. But everytime she saw him.. it was all she could think about. _Was his soul permanent or not? _Their one secret night consumed her thoughts and haunted her through every activity. Even her dreams were filled with him - there was simply no-where to run and no-one to talk to. Other than Angel of course, but being as he was the root of the problem, she had begun avoiding even him, her last confidant.

As she walked through the crowds of students around her, Buffy felt utterly and completely alone.

* * *

Buffy stirred in her bed in the middle of the night. She was in dire need of comforting and her mother was out of town, preparing for the opening night of her gallery's new exhibition. _Figures. _Images of the nightmare that had woken Buffy kept replaying in her mind's eye, over and over, like a nagging reminder of something that was important, but irretrievably lost to her.

In her dream, she'd been in a wintry forest, trodging through a landscape of snow and ice and spruces tall as mountains. There had been a pack of hungry wolves on her tail, always just a step behind. She'd seen glimpses of them, black flickering shadows between the tree-trunks or a pair of glowing eyes. The imprints left by her bare feet as she stumbled her way forward, had faded away into the jet-black night that surrounded her. She'd heard howling from somewhere behind her, branches and twigs breaking as her pursuers closed in on her. Just when she'd expected the nearest wolf to sink it's teeth into her calf, it had suddenly begun to run alongside her, like she was a member of the pack instead of it's prey. She'd felt the wolf's coarse, grey fur as the animal had brushed past her, galloping in stride with her. And then the snow had turned into a pool of burning gasoline, scorching her feet as she had sunk deeper and deeper.. All the way through the floor of the world.

The dream had left a freeze in her veins, and Buffy pulled her thick, down duvet up to her shoulders to drive away the bitter cold from within. Suddenly, she sensed a presence in the room.

"Hey." Angel's voice came quietly from the direction of the window. He was sitting on her window-sill, leaning into the frame uncomfortably whilst keeping his feet inside her room. He looked haunted and mournful, in spite of the little half-smile that played on his lips.

"Could you close the window, I'm kinda cold." Buffy said, turning her back on him once more.

"..Sure." Angel stepped fully inside Buffy's room, and carefully set down the open window. "I heard you were supposed to patrol tonight, I waited for you." He spoke, no accusation or demand in his voice. Just plain concearn. And it troubled Buffy more than she liked. Disappointment she could fight. She could get angry and give him the old 'I'm 17 and the Slayer - you try it out' speach. But it wouldn't work with Angel. She couldn't drive him away.

Hadn't he told her that once, in very different dream. _Not even if you kill me._

"I was tired." Buffy finally answered Angel's unspoken question, her voice muffled by the fluffy pillow she crushed in her arms.

"It was pretty quiet anyway. Dusted a few vamps on the way over, though."

"Good. That's good." Buffy replied, in a detached voice. Her gaze was locked to the alarm clock on her nightstand. The red numbers on it's display flickered in the dark, shifting towards the inevetable sunrise only a few hours away.

"It's pretty late.. Or, more like early. How did you know I'd be awake?" She asked.

"I didn't. I just.. Sometimes, I like checking up on you after a night of wandering around town. I sleep better, knowing you're safe."

Buffy had expected as much. With or without a soul, he could never quite shake the habit.

"So you come here to watch me sleep? Boy, someone needs cable-tv bad." She joked dully.

"You're real. Right there, to touch. And that makes you infinately more interesting."

"Oh."

"Buffy.. What's going on? You don't show up for patrol, and whenever we meet, you seem.. distant. If this about something I did or--"

Buffy heaved a sigh. "It's not you, Angel."

"Then what?"

"I don't know. Mid-Slayer-life crisis. Or something."

Angel walked over to her and seated himself beside her on the bed. As his eyes locked to Buffy's, she could feel the walls around her begin to crumble. _My kind, sweet, gentle Angel. _The one who always sought to help, to listen, to forgive. The one she trusted completely with her emotions, the one she could always turn to, no matter what. He'd always had that uncanny ability to see past the Buffy she showed to the world and right into the heart of who she really was. If only he could turn that high powered perception at himself, and see himself for all that he really was - which was so much more than the unforgivable monster he believed himself to be.

It was cruelly ironic, that in spite of all the compassion and understanding Angel doled out to other people, he could never feel it for himself.

"I'm so afraid." Buffy finally cracked, her eyes watering.

"Of what?" Angel asked gently, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb.

"Of losing you again. Sometimes I feel like you're the only friend that I have, anymore. Mom just refuses to accept that the Slaying won't end until the day I die, if even then, and.. My life used to be about sunshine, you know. What happened to that? It seems with every passing day I have less sunlight to share with Will and Xander, and more darkness but no-one to talk to about it. I mean, sure there's Giles, but.. He's my Watcher. How could I tell him, that sometimes when I fight the latest nasty in an endless line of them, I think hey, maybe it wouldn't entirely suck to just give up the fight and run. I used to have you for that, for carrying the weight of my woes. Or should I say punch? And now I can feel this gap opening between us. Ever since you came back from Hell, we've been trying our damnest not to poke the taboo. Well you know, maybe it's about time we did."

Angel swallowed hard and cast his eyes to the ground. "You wanna talk about Hell?" He asked.

"Not just that. I want.. I want things to go back to the way they were."

"If there was a way, whatever the cost, to take back everything I did as Angelus, I would pay the price. But I can't. You think it doesn't kill me every day, to know how much I hurt you? What I put you through, and Giles and--"

"I know." Buffy interrupted with a wistful smile. "I just wish we could be Buffy and Angel again. Slayer and her Champion. I miss those days. Whatever would threaten us, I knew we'd survive, because we had each other."

"I miss that too."

"I miss being able to talk to Willow about you. Now, whenever I mention you, there's pain in her eyes and I hate it that I'm the one causing it."

"Don't you mean me." Angel corrected miserably.

"No honey, it's not about you, well not really. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately which is, I know, so not like me, but.. I think the real reason is.. All these big changes have happened in me, and they haven't noticed them because we've been too busy averting the apocalypse. And I guess now that it's quiet for a change, they've begun to notice and.. don't like what they see. I'm not.. this innocent schoolgirl anymore. I'm the Slayer. And that means a big part of my life revolves around death."

"As if I've in no way contributed to the amount of death in your life."

"Angel, let me finish. Being the Slayer is about killing. Plain and simple. I may do it for the forces of good, but still at it's basic core, it's the same thing as oh say you vamps do. Even before you joined the picture, I was infecting my nearest and dearest with pain. I mean, how many times have my friends and family been in jeopardy simply because they know me? I'll always have enemies, and the people I love will always be in the line of fire. Regardless of who I choose to date." Buffy said pointedly. "But anyway, what I meant to say was, the guilt tripping and the darkness, that I understand. But the problem is, Giles, Xander, even Will.. They can't. They don't know where I'm coming from. They don't get the rush of the kill, the thrill of the hunt. They don't understand why I'd want to spend time with someone like you. They don't get how I could love a vampire, the very thing I'm destined to slay."

"Buffy.."

"They think it's the whole opposites attract thing. When really, we are the same. Two sides of the same coin. You can relate to me in ways no-one else could. Ever."

"Don't say that! You're a thing of light, and I'm nothing like that! I've killed innocent people, who's only mistake was crossing my path. Don't even.. think you have anything in common with me."

"Angel, listen to me now. You're not accountable for what Angelus did. I've never held it against you, why should I start now? You won't be like that again."

"You can't know that." Angel said grimly, referring to the events of the other night.

But Buffy stayed firm. "Neither can you. Remember, we can't know the future. That's the deal isn't it? And I've always played by my heart. This feels right. We feel right. Our relationship might be an abomination to the club of old stuffy british guys, but what do they know? About the nitty gritty reality of my life? So as far as your past is concearned.."

"Buffy, please, just stop--"

"You need to hear this. And I need to say it. Angel.. I forgive you."

"H-How could you ever.. After what I--"

"Haven't you been listening to me at all? And secondly, it wasn't really you in reins then, was it? I know you share the memories, and his pleasure, but.. I know had you been entirely you, you could never have done what he did and enjoy it." Buffy finished her speach and grabbed Angel's hand, squeezing it gently for support.

Angel rewarded her with a lopsided grin, his dark eyes lifting up from the floor to meet hers, if only for a moment. "I don't know what to say to that." He sighed, his head bowed down in silent reverie. "Thanks."

"Being a vampire doesn't stop you from being a good person. And being a Slayer doesn't mean I have to stop being one, either. You've made me realize that, you know." Buffy smiled at him, tousling his dark spiky hair. "Sometimes though.. I feel like I'm losing more and more of the life I once had. And that kinda frightens me. I guess that's why I used to be so bent up on getting a normal life."

"You should have it. You deserve it."

"Yeah but.. It's just not a possibility for me anymore. I can go for something resembling the norm, but the white picket fence dream? Never gonna happen. I'll be too busy preparing for the next exciting catastrophe to raise kids or have a career. And really, what's the Slayer life-expectancy these days? A couple of years?" Buffy shook her head dejectedly. "Being the Slayer isn't about having a life. It's just about.. surviving."

"But.. Maybe it could be different for you."

"Yeah, that's what I keep telling myself. But let's face it.. I'm a freak."

"You're not to me."

Buffy smiled in response, the first genuinely happy smile she'd had all day. "Sometimes it's hard.." She then continued, "To see people around me getting the things I want too, but know I can never have. But you know, there are times being the Slayer isn't that bad. I like it that I can fight back whenever there's evil a-foot. I like it that I can, on occasion, actually help someone. And I can open my own jars and move furniture around without having to enlist manly back-up. Always a plus there."

"I guess it would be difficult for you to be like everyone else.. To not be able to avert the next crisis that threatens humanity."

"Yeah. My powers are a part of who I am, who I've become. And I've kinda come to terms with that."

"It's just too bad your life's also about having your boyfriend turn evil whenever you uh, are intimate with him."

"Yeah, too bad. But that's how my life works. And most of the time, I'm pretty content."

"Most of the time?" Angel glanced at her questioningly.

"Yeah, like right now." Buffy flashed him another stunning smile. "Talking to you, just the two of us. It's nice."

"But.. Wouldn't it be nicer if you had someone.. actually human for company? Someone who could take you out into the sunlight? Make love to you?"

"Yeah, 'cos any John Doe just so understands me better than you do." Buffy rolled her eyes. "And you know, I could ask you the same thing. Wouldn't you be happier with Vampira in your lair?"

Angel blinked. "Vampira..?"

"Yeah, femme fatale with fangs?"

"Buffy.. Other vampires.. They're well, evil. And I have a soul. That's sort of a turn-off for them."

"You, a turn-off. Now where's the mistake in that equasion? 'Cos I just know that can't be right."

"Besides.. Even if there was another ensouled vampire.. There wouldn't be a connection, not a real one like ours. It's easy for me to be around you. Easy and.. horribly difficult." Angel confessed, falling into a thoughtful silence.

"Yeah, I know how you feel. So I guess we're just stuck with each other." Buffy grinned mischievously, letting Angel know just how little she minded being 'stuck' with him.

Angel grinned back at her just as playfully. "Hopelessly doomed." He said, right before Buffy leant in to kiss his smiling lips.

* * *

Her head laying on Angel's bare chest, Buffy thought about how she'd never felt happier or more grateful than she did right now. Her only concearn was whether or not she'd managed to sun-proof her room well enough for the day, but Angel didn't seem to be complaining. In fact, neither one of them had said a word since they'd collapsed on Buffy's bed after their most recent love-making session. The silence between them was comfortable and assuring, but in Buffy's opinion, it had continued long enough. She craned her neck and glanced up at her cradle-robbing-creature-of-the-night boyfriend, and felt like giggling the moment she saw his face. They were in bed together, very much naked, and what was he doing? _Brooding._ Of course.

"So, are we happy? All sated?" She asked him.

"..Yeah." Angel's lips drew into a broad smile that revealed a row of perfect white teeth. His mahogany brown eyes glowed with nothing but contentedness as he looked into her green-brownish ones.

"OK, what's going on?" Buffy sat up, wrapping the duvet around her body to cover up her nudity. "We sleep together, you get a happy and don't lose your soul. I feel happy and loved and normal. Dontcha just hate how this spells out nasty demon activity?"

Angel cast her one of his little half-smiles. "Too good to be true, I know."

"So, where do you think we should post our 'Thank You For The Music'-card?"

"I have no idea. But a card should definately be sent. And maybe a fruitbasket. With a bottle of Chianti."

"Wow. You really are a changed man."

"You mean because of the fruitbasket? I thought it'd be a nice touch."

"Yeah. Someone should definately be thanked for this. Kissed, even."

Angel raised an eyebrow and gave her a pointed look. "Even if it's a big green scaly demon with horns and a-plenty of bodily hair?"

"OK, I'm thinking plan A with the card would be better after all." She backpedaled.

"Thought so."

Buffy eased back down into the crook of Angel's arm, pressing her head back into it's resting place on his chest. She'd forgotten how much better a good snuggle could make her feel. It didn't matter that he had no heartbeat or that his skin was somewhat cooler than hers to the touch - what he could offer her more than made up for those petty, menial things he lacked. "I'm so happy you know.." She yawned sleepily. "This is all I've ever wanted - seriously. To wake up in your arms.. Pleasantly numb."

Angel wound his arm over her stomach and kissed the crown of her head.

"You know.. the last time, when I lost my soul.. It wasn't when I uh, climaxed. It was afterwards. I think the moment came, when I watched you sleeping, in my arms. And you stirred a little in your sleep and smiled.. And I knew. That in spite all logic and reason, despite my being the monster that I am.. You loved me. And.. I felt this incredible rush of pride and privelige, to love this magnificent woman who slept so peacefully, trustingly, in the arms of a demon. That was about the last memory... I have.. before... Before I lost my soul."

Buffy glanced up at Angel, deeply moved by his account of that fateful nights events. And looking into his eyes, he seemed just as swept away by his emotions as she was. "You never told me that." Buffy stated. _And how happy I am that you finally did. _She had come to know Angel as someone who rarely shared his thoughts or feelings, but when he did.. the things he let slip out swept her off her feet every time, without fail. It was almost inconceivable that someone could ever think so beautifully of her.

Angel bowed his head, almost looking a little abashed. "Yeah, well when I returned I was back to the mind set that I didn't deserve you. Not anymore and that you would never sleep like that in my arms again. It was just too painful to talk about.. And I feared.. That if I told you, you'd reject me. I treasured that memory - there haven't been many times in all my long life that I've felt worthy of anything but hate and contempt.. I needed to cling onto that memory of unconditional love. It's what kept me sane in Hell. While I was there I kept remembering my father, the way he made me feel like I'd never amount to anything and be nothing but a waste of space - the way he drove me to a path of self-destruction.. I suppose that's a part of the way Hell works.. They bring up the things that hurt you most and my father.. Stacks right up there in the 'hurt me'-department.

And then I'd think of you, the way you made me feel. Like I could be whatever I wanted, redeem myself, keep you safe from harm.. Like my life was an open road full of unfulfilled potential, and hope and.. light, at the end of the tunnel.

And then I'd think of what I did to you. To the person I'd watched sleep aside me so peacefully. And I'd remember your tears and your confusion when you sent me to the portal with Acathla.. And I couldn't help but wish I could've somehow done it for you. I would've gladly gone to Hell for you, if only I'd remembered the past months, just to save you the agony of doing it for yourself. But perhaps it was good that you did.. get a chance to hurt me like I had hurt you. Get some closure. I don't blame you for anything. You were strong. You did what was necessary. And I admire you for it. I think my father would've respected you as much as he loathed me.."

"Angel.." Buffy began tearfully. "I stabbed you through with a sword."

Angel started at the sudden heart-felt sadness that had appeared on his girlfriend's face. "Buffy..?" He asked in concearn.

"I did. And I remember the sound.. that awful sound of flesh yielding to metal." She sobbed. "And the pain in your eyes. And you dare tell me, I got closure?"

"These same eyes taunted you as Angelus. These same hands held Ms. Calendar fast as I drained her of her blood. And these lips.."

"Are the ones I kissed with more passion than anyone elses before, or after. And these hands tangled in my hair and comforted me when I cried. And in your eyes.." Buffy lifted her watering eyes to Angel's, her voice quivering with tears. "I could see a man who loved me, knowing full well I could kill him just as easily as he could kill me - and who still trusted his life in my hands. Even when I couldn't trust mine in his." She whispered. "So don't talk to me about closure. Cause what we have, it's never over."


	3. Swan Song

**BLEED FOR ME**

Author: Zefiros83  
Disclaimer: Characters from BtVS belong to Joss Whedon. Or to Mutant Enemy. Or to whoever it is that owns them. g I'm just borrowing them for fun.  
Distribution: Want, Take, Have. That simple.  
Rating: R for some good amount of reason. And well, adult themes.  
Summary: B/A. This story takes place in the middle of S3, beginning right after everyone's found out Angel's back from Hell. Buffy's saddened that her friends and family aren't supportive of her relationship with Angel. She's beginning to think they will never understand - when the latest nasty in town gives her a welcome distraction. Plz R&R.

**CHAPTER 3. SWAN SONG**

_Welcome back says the voice on the radio  
But I never left, I was always right here  
In your hand  
All the colours that you thought were kings  
At the turn of a card can just disappear_

_- Quote from the song 'A Day Like Today' by Tom McRae -_

Early the next morning, Buffy walked in through the library doors, in hopes of hearing the outcome of last night's reserch-party. Her friends - Xander, Willow, Oz and even Cordelia - were already seated around the wooden table situated in the middle of the room, idly flipping through some ancient-looking leather-bound books with Buffy's Watcher, Giles. There were books everywhere - stacked up in tall piles on the counters and even on the floor. Buffy had to walk around quite a few of the un-orderly mounds before she reached the obviously sleep-deprived scooby gang. She felt more than a little guilty for well, having had far more pleasurable things to do last night than digging her nose in this many books.

"Hey you guys. You haven't been here all night, have you?" She grimaced, and was greeted with tired eyes and some yawning.

"No, but it sure feels like it." Xander quipped, glancing up from the book he was reading.

"We've just been here a couple of hours, helping. Giles did most of the work." Willow explained, and scooted over on the bench to give Buffy somewhere to sit.

Buffy accepted the offered seat with a smile, and looked up at her Watcher questioningly. "Well, what have you got?" She asked.

Giles put down the book he was studying and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I rather fear the information we've been able to gather on Savina is rather.. unreliable to say the least." He sighed. "The most saliant books of demonology, which I would've needed to properly research her, have been lost by the Council. Most likely they were destroyed sometime during the second world war. Unless of course--"

"Giles, while we're young."

"Yes quite," He removed his glasses, to clean the lenses with his handkerchief. "Well.. To begin with, she's very old. Enhanced, in comparison to creatures we've encountered thus far."

"Enhanced? As in demon volume 2.0?"

"She's been on this earth several times over the course of millenia. Each time, she became revered among the inhabitats of this earth. However primitive they were at the time, they recognized her power. Savina is described.. as a feline creature, a goddess of war and.. carnal pleasures."

Buffy gave her Watcher a pointed look. "You could've just said sex, you know."

"Uh.. I-I-in any case," Giles stuttered, "We are to assume she possesses some power which allows her to shift between her corporeal and ethereal form. That, according to some volumes, will make her a tough opponent to annihilate entirely. I rather fear this demon is.. indestructible, for even when her corporeal form is slayed, she can remain dormant in her ethereal form, waiting for a new body to sustain her."

"So.. I guess since we haven't seen cat-woman running around, it's safe to say she's still lacking that shiny new body?"

"Yes, that would be my opinion. And that's where those five vampires you encountered last weekened come in. It seems they were part of the Order of Nefeon; a group of vampires dedicated to the worship of Savina. They're the ones attempting the ritual for her awakening. As of now, we needn't worry about Savina - before the demon can do us any substantial harm, the Order must find her a suitable body to inhabit. But who knows how strong she will become once the vessel is chosen. So I believe it would be our best course of action to stop her from acquiring one."

"But how do we know where to look? I mean, what are her preferences? Weight, height.. amount of tentacles?"

"That's where the information become's unclear. Some volumes speak of devouring of souls, while others refer to 'merging of the three spirits'. I doubt a creature as old and powerful as Savina would choose just any common--"

"Vampire." Buffy swallowed hard. _Angel._ What if the reason he hadn't lost his soul was the fact he was being targeted as a demon body to possess?

"Buffy, don't jump to any conclusions." Giles spoke up, having correctly read her distress as Angel-induced. "I must say there are no rational grounds to assume that--"

Buffy stared at him apprehensively. "Giles.." She addressed him. "Me and Angel.. Things have been weird. In the sense that something odd happened. Between us. Or rather, didn't happen."

Xander blinked at her. "OK, you're loosing us here."

"You slept together." Giles stated, the first to realize the ugly truth.

Seeing the tell-tale admission on Buffy's face, Xander bolted up from his seat by the table. "What? Are you out of your mind?" He exclaimed.

"Just don't OK, not now. We've got this thing to worry about." Buffy dismissed him, before turning her attention back to Giles.

"And his soul?" Her Watcher asked, refusing to meet Buffy's pleading gaze.

"Still intact. That would be the thing that was weird."

"Anything else."

"Giles, I know you're all disappointed in me, and you have every right to be - God, I've been wagging a finger at bad, bad Buffy for days! But.. It was like we had no control."

This seemed to peak Giles' interest. "Perhaps it was all a part of some creature's plan?"

"Hey, does goddess of carnal pleasures ring a bell?" Xander chipped in.

Giles immediatly came to the same conclusion and turned to Buffy. "If Savina has been meddling in your life, Buffy, you should try your best to refrain from.. temptation."

* * *

The Bronze was a large, dull looking building not unlike the warehouses that surrounded it in Sunnydale's small industrial district. But for Buffy and most other kids her age, it was the epitome of social intrigue and the perfect place to hang-out after school. Usually she went there with her best friends, but after her little exposé earlier that morning, Buffy had thought it best not to call them. She hadn't felt like confronting them and their accusations, not until they were over the initial shock. So instead of Will and Xander, she'd called Angel and arranged a date at eight o'clock.

As she walked in past the bouncer and entered the shadowy, cavernous realm of the Bronze, Buffy realized she was running a little early for her date. She decided to buy herself a latté, since she had at least twenty minutes before Angel was likely to show up. As she waited for her drink by the counter, Buffy suddenly noticed Faith - her brunette sister Slayer - smoozing up to some blond haired frat boy. Faith managed to pick up on her stare, and glanced back at Buffy over her shoulder. She grinned lewdly as their eyes met, and then made her way over to the counter, leaving her newest conquest staring after her like a lost puppy.

"So B.. Is this a bad time? Are you waiting for you demon lover to show up?" She drawled.

"Hi Faith." Buffy rolled her eyes at her sister Slayer's blunt remark. "So you heard about Angel and me, huh?"

"Well duh. Since you boinked the undead, the rest of the bloodsucking population have gotten their hopes up. I've been getting some weird proposals lately."

"Sorry to make you feel uncomfortable." Buffy cast Faith a lopsided grin.

"Nah, 's cool. Nothing bad with leading them on until you stake 'em." She grinned, her chestnut brown hair swirling around her shoulders.

"Talk about staking," Buffy said pointedly, "There's a new girl in town. One that bites. You might wanna watch out for her and her entourage."

"Come on B, Cordelia's not new in town, is she?"

"Faith. I'm serious." Buffy warned. "This could get ugly. Giles seems pretty wigged over this demon."

"Relax. Haven't you always bounced right back up when someone knocks you down? I doubt this time's any different."

"I don't know. Luck tends to have that nasty habit of running out." Buffy lamented. "Just promise me you'll be careful?"

"Yeah, sure. You just watch out for your own back." Faith's arrogant smile stayed firmly in place. "Look, I better go reel in the catch of the day. I'll see ya 'round?"

"Sure." Buffy nodded, and watched the dark haired girl disappearing to the swarming crowds. She turned her eyes into her latté, and stirred it a little with her spoon.

Faith was nice enough, but in so many ways completely different from her. She couldn't be trusted with responsibilities, after all she had skipped patrol in favour of attending a party somewhere on more than one occasion. Lately, it had begun happening more and more frequently, and she rarely had any kind of an explanation to offer for her absences. But in a way, Buffy envied Faith's carefree lifestyle. Living independently, doing what she wanted when she wanted - on the surface it looked like a dream.

"Are you gonna drink that at some point or just stare it to death?" Angel asked her amusedly, having suddenly appeared next to her out of thin air. How he could do this to a slayer every single time was beyond Buffy's comprehension. Probably had to do with his age.. and her lesser experience.

"Well you never know where evil lurks here on the Hellmouth. If there could be mind-controlling bugs nestled in eggs, who knows what might jump out at me from this latté. You can't be too careful, you know."

"Personally, I draw the line at coffee." Angel smiled at her compassionately, and set his half-empty coffee cup down on the counter next to hers. "I take it your meeting didn't go well?" He asked.

"To say it went badly would be an understatement. I had to tell them about us. You know, as in what we've been doing? And if you thought they'd burst into song and do a little happy dance - you couldn't be more wrong. In fact, Giles pretty much forbid me to ever see you again. He thinks that.. the reason you haven't lost your soul has to do with this demoness in town. And that.. she might have us both under her influence."

"I-In what way?"

"Giles said that she 'lessens the restraint we have over our impulses'. That would explain a lot, when you think about it. Like why I haven't felt all that worried about your soul's permanence. This whole thing gives me the creeps. It's like.. If I can't control my own behaviour.. How am I supposed to fight her?"

Angel became very quiet, and stared down at the counter's surface. "This could mean trouble. If I lose control.. People get hurt."

"But so far, nothing bad has come out of this. In fact.. I've kinda liked the new, impulsive Buffy. She got me my Angel back."

"I'm just wondering what the price will be." Angel said thoughtfully. "A demon wouldn't bother playing Cupid. There's got to be something she wants."

"Apparently there is, if you take Giles' word for it. She wants your body."

"E-excuse me?" Angel choked.

Buffy smiled in spite of the severity of the situation. "Apparently ensouled vampires rate pretty high on the body-of-choice list. And why not, you being immortal and all." She told him.

"If it is my body she needs.. How do we stop her from getting it?"

"The jury is still out on that one. Giles promised me he'd have some answers by tomorrow but.. It doesn't look good. These vampires that worship her? They don't even need to be physically in the same room with you to perform the ritual. But that kinda makes you wonder why they haven't done it already."

"Maybe they're waiting for the right time, the right circumstances. Whatever the case, we have to act. Now, while we still can."

"W-what are you suggesting?" Buffy looked up at him fearfully.

There was a brief silence. "If I'm dead--"

"No! No, I won't let you do that!" Buffy proclaimed. "I won't go through that hell again!"

Angel stared at her darkly. "Buffy, it's the only way. She can't take my body if it doesn't exist."

"There's bound to be another way, there always is. We just gotta be patient, and wait. Promise me you won't do anything to yourself."

Angel sighed. "Buffy I can't be evil again. I won't."

"Promise me. Otherwise you know I'm just gonna chain you up in your bed until you change your mind." She insisted, her hands placed defiantly on her hips as she stared down her vampire boyfriend. Finally, Angel lowered his gaze as a sign of concession.

"Convincing argument." He grinned at her apathetically.

The music echoing from the dancefloor captured Buffy's attention. "I love this song, let's dance." She grabbed Angel by the hand and pulled, gently urging him to follow. Angel simply eyed her warily. "Well? Come on." She tried again, but he still wouldn't budge.

"I don't dance. I mean, I can't. Two left feet, I swear." He explained, looking a little embarrassed.

Buffy gave him a look. "You can't be as bad as Xander."

"It's just.." Angel winced.

"In your dancing days, the music was of the Waltzy variety, I know. Just humour me, will ya."

"That's what I'm afraid of." He sighed, but followed Buffy's lead into the crowd of dancing couples.

They settled to the far edge of the dancefloor, just as the beat of the song picked up to a deafening boom. Buffy observed Angel's very clumsy attempts at modern dancing. "You're not that bad.." She remarked, attempting to keept a straight face. Unsuccessful, she burst into giggles, causing Angel to blush bright red - which was pretty rare, considering he had no circulation to speak of.

"OK, I think my dept to society is paid. Can we go back now?" He asked, chuckling a little himself.

Buffy nodded, trying to stop laughing. They turned from the dancefloor and towards the opposite end of the club, when they unexpectantly bumped into into Willow and Xander.

"X-Xander. Will. Hi." Buffy stammered, taken completely by surprise. Both of her friends were looking extremely offended, and she had some idea why.

"Having fun?" Xander spat out.

Buffy tried to brush past him but Xander stepped in the way, effectively blocking her path. Buffy sighed and looked up at him wearily. How many times would she need to have this argument with him? "Xander, don't. I don't want to get into this with you. Not now."

Xander however, seemed to think otherwise. "I can't believe you're doing this!" He practically shouted. "What is it with you and vampires, anyway?"

Buffy gritted her teeth. "I'm not accountable to you. Who I choose to date is not your concearn."

"My life is my concearn! Who do you think deadboy's gonna come after once he jumps off the soul-train again? Some of us might end up having more than our feelings hurt, you know." Xander pressed on.

Buffy's whole body tensed in anger. How dare he treat her like some spoiled little girl!

"Xander, let's go." Willow tucked at his arm, seemingly uncomfortable in the tension of the room. "Come on, you don't want us to get kicked out." She pleaded.

Xander seemed to consider this for a while before he finally nodded at Willow. "Sure." He said, "Don't feel like watching this display, anyway."

"Willow.." Buffy called out to her best friend, but the red-headed girl wouldn't even glance back at her. _Why is this happening to me_, she thought. _Do I really have to choose between love and friendship? _She then felt a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around her waist.

"I'm sorry." Angel whispered regretfully.

"Don't be." Buffy told him, staring after her friends as they were leaving the club.

"I think I should go," Angel reckoned, and before Buffy could object he added, "You need to talk to them. And as long as I'm around it will be difficult.."

She glanced up at him. "No, Angel--"

"You need to do this. I'll always be there for you.. But I think you need them too."

"I'll see you later?" Buffy asked, smiling quietly.

Angel smiled back at her and kissed her hair. "Buffy.. I love you." He whispered.

"I love you too." Buffy responded earnestly, and departed from Angel's embrace to run after her friends.

* * *

Buffy caught up with Willow and Xander in the alley behind the club. "Wait!" She yelled at their retreating backs, and they stopped expectantly upon hearing her voice. "You want to talk? Then let's talk. But don't dump your hurt feelings on me. My life is tough enough without your insults." Buffy told them matter-of-factly.

"Buffy.." Willow looked at her sadly. "Do you even want to be friends with us anymore? It's just that.. ever since last summer, you've been.. different. You never talk to me about anything! And you keep things from us, and don't listen to Giles and.. And the way you act with Angel.. It's almost like you don't care what happens to us, as long as you're happy."

"Willow! Of course I care! You and Xander.. you're my best friends. You have no idea how difficult it's been to not have you to talk to. It's just.. I don't want to hurt you. And lately, whenever I talk to you.. That's all I seem to do."

Xander's eyes burned with rage. "What do you expect, huh?" He ranted. "When you welcome back the creature that threatened us all with murder? Ever think about that? Are we supposed to just act everything's all fine and dandy, while he has you in his bed?"

"If you have to blame someone for Angelus, blame me. But don't take it out on Angel. It's not his fault."

"He killed Ms. Calendar! He tortured Giles! How is that not his fault?"

"Xander, you've known vampires exist for little over two years, and already you think you understand them better than I do? Have you forgotten what losing a soul does to a person?"

"I remember what it did to Jesse." Xander replied. "But I still killed him."

"And you think that makes you a Slayer, then? The expert on wielding a stake?"

"At least I could see past the person he used be!"

"You know Xander for all the accusations you throw my way for not being able to tell Angelus apart from Angel, I think it's you that has the problem. You've had it in for him from day one. Even when you had nothing to fear from him you used every opportunity to try and turn me against him. It's so disappointing how little things have changed since then. I thought by now, you would know the difference. Angel couldn't have done anything about Angelus and it's unfair to treat him like he should have."

Xander responded by huffing in annoyance.

"Look, I'm not saying either of you have to be madly in love with him, like I am. I'd just appreciate it if you could give him a chance to make up for what happened. Or at the very least, that you'd stop with the hating." Buffy requested both her friends.

"Buffy, I've never said I hated Angel." Willow told her softly. "I know what he means to you. I'm just a little concearned.. that maybe you've not thought this relationship through. He is a vampire. And even though things have been good for now.. there's no saying that that won't change. He might lose his soul still, or get possessed by this demon or who knows what. A-and even if none of that happens.. It won't change the fact that he'll never grow old or be able to father you children.. He can't even join you in the sunlight! I'm just afraid.. that you'll miss out on a lot because of him."

"Willow.." Buffy sighed, and fell silent for a spell. "I'm not like you. I don't get to have a normal life, nothing Angel could possibly rob me of. I get to feel guilty for killing things I'm not even sure are monsters, half the time. It's not like vampires don't feel pain or fear or whatever. Sure, killing them saves lives and is without a doubt the lesser of two evils but.. I still have nightmares about their faces. You have any idea what it's like, when I have to kill things that can talk back, night after night? I make light of it but.. Most of the time, it's just a front. Angel sees that. And.. I know he understands."

Willow and Xander stared back at her quietly, at loss of words.

Xander opened his mouth as though to apologize - when a growl rumbling from somewhere nearby interrupted him. Buffy's eyes turned towards the noise in alarm. She saw a dark figure crouching at the end of the alley, tilting it's head as the creature eyed her assessingly. Buffy assumed her battle stance, and pulled out the stake from her waistband. _So much for a work-free evening. _"Will, Xander, you better get out of here. I think this one's not gonna listen to reason."

"Hey," Xander uttered uneasily, "Try the language of violence. Bet he understands that."

"We'll be inside." Willow told Buffy, before she and Xander ran away from the forthcoming battle, leaving Buffy alone to face her opponent. Which was fine by her, since the less people she had to watch out for, the more she could focus on slaying this beast. Her stake firmly in hand, Buffy prepared for the vampires attack.

Meanwhile, Willow and Xander had already reached the relative safety of the Bronze. Behind the heavy, wrought-iron door that lead to the alley, they glanced worriedly at each other. "Now that was a weird vampire. Never seen one acting so.. bestial." Xander remarked.

"I know. But Buffy can handle herself. I mean, there's not much we can do to help. We'd just get in the way." Willow told him, reminding them both why helping Buffy with her work was sometimes a very dangerous decision to make.

"Bet Angel could, though." Xander scoffed, a hint of self-flagellation in his voice.

"Xander.." Willow tried to comfort him, but he was already breaking off a makeshift stake from an abandoned wooden crate.

"He's not here now.. but I am. And I'm gonna help her out. You coming?" Xander said, fidgeting in the doorway with his stake. He looked a little out of his element - but his concearn was very touching. Willow gave him a little smile, remembering just why she'd had an enormous crush on him for the better half of her life, until very recently. Xander always seemed to better himself when the chips were down, and become the unlikely hero to save the day. "O-Ok." Willow stuttered, and followed Xander out into the night.

It was very quiet outside, indicating that the battle between slayer and vampire had seized. Or, which was the more likely option, it had moved somewhere else. "Can you see her?" Willow asked from the doorway, afraid to walk beyond the reach of the bright white light of the nearby halogen-lamp. She could hear moths clinking against the lightbulb. The sound should have barely reached her ears but for some reason it drew her attention. Everything around her was suddenly too loud, too cold, too dark. She instinctively knew something was wrong, in a major world-off-it's-axis kind of way.

_But what? _Willow shivered in the cold and crossed her arms. "Xander? Maybe we should go back inside. I'm sure she'll come looking for us soon." Willow called in the direction her friend had taken off to. Only silence answered her. She couldn't see anything through the darkness, and was beginning to freak out from the adrenaline in her veins. The blackness of the night seemed to close in on her from all sides, as she kept standing in the only visible beam of light. The moths continued their desperate assault on the lightbulb. She could hear the wind, ruffling newspapers on the wet, gleaming pavement. Finally Xander melted out of the shadows, walking very slowly over to her. He looked ashen white and devoid of all his usual bravado.

"W-what is it?" Willow asked and grabbed hold of his hand. Xander's eyes darted up, wild and frightened.

"Will.. It's Buffy.. I saw her, she--"

"W-what is it? She's OK right?" Willow stammered, a sense of dread settling further into her stomach.

Xander shook his head, shock and disbelief written all over his face. "N-no. Will.. I think-- I think she's dead."

* * *

AN: Chapter 4 should be up within a week. That is, unless I get lazy. g 


	4. Stages of Grief

**BLEED FOR ME**

Author: Zefiros83  
Disclaimer: Characters from BtVS belong to Joss Whedon. Or to Mutant Enemy. Or to whoever it is that owns them. g I'm just borrowing them for fun.  
Distribution: Want, Take, Have. That simple.  
Rating: R for some good amount of reason. And well, adult themes.  
Summary: B/A. This story takes place in the early S3, beginning right after everyone's found out Angel's back from Hell. Buffy's saddened that her friends and family aren't supportive of her relationship with Angel. She's beginning to think they will never understand - when the latest nasty in town gives her a welcome distraction. Plz R&R.

**CHAPTER 4. STAGES OF GRIEF**

_She left me, and I stayed alone,  
Thinking over every tone,  
Which, though silent to the ear,  
The enchanted heart could hear,  
Like notes which die when born, but still  
Haunt the echoes of the hill;  
And feeling ever - O too much! -  
The soft vibration of her touch  
As her gentle hand even now  
Lightly trembled on my brow;  
And thus, although she absent were  
Memory gave me all of her_

_- P. B. Shelley -_

It had been a bleak, rainy day in Sunnydale. Dark clouds rolled across the sky, forming an impenetrable layer of smoky grey. Rain drummed the ceilings of buildings and poared down the streets, washing away the warmth and dust from the pavement. Thunder rolled in the distance.

Angel slept.

He'd found Buffy in his restless dreams, standing there at the foot of his bed, wearing the same clothes he'd seen her in last night. Her hair was wet, and she looked at him pleadingly. Like she was lost and didn't know how to get back. She said nothing.

"Come here." He asked her, and she complied. Her hips swayed sensually as she walked over to him.

Angel sat up in his bed, placing his bare feet down on the ground. Upon contact, the coldness of the stone floor shot through him like a burst of electricity. He shivered, listening to the water poaring down the drainpipes as a constant, hypnotic stream. _There was a storm brewing on the Hellmouth,_ and it filled him with a sense of foreboding.

Buffy stopped mere inches from Angel and smiled at him sadly. Her skin glowed like it was lit from within, and she looked as beautiful and fragile as a sculpture in glass. Upon Angel's appreciative gaze she stepped even closer and caressed the side of his face. Her expression was intensely focused as she stared into his eyes.

"Be strong for me, honey. Don't give up." She whispered, and pressed a reverent kiss on his forehead.

"I won't." Angel replied, staring into her eyes worriedly. Something had changed in their hazel depths. _Something was wrong_.

Buffy's delicate fingers trailed from the back of his neck to his shoulders. She pushed him back down on the bed till he lay sprawled on his back. She wasted no time in climbing up on top of him, effectively straddling him by the waist. Her nails raked up and down the sides of his bare upper body as she kissed him, hard and ferocious. _She seemed a little off_, Angel thought. It was her beautiful body touching him but her movements and expressions weren't her own. Her caresses suddenly felt alien and unfamiliar. It was frightening.

"B-Buffy?" Angel uttered and tried to get up, but she pressed him hard into the mattress, leering down at him darkly. She leaned in, nibbled on his earlobe and whispered in a hoarse, netherworldly voice; "Enjoy it while you can. I have her now." Then the not-Buffy turned into some black and hissing thing, and bit down on his jugular, creating shadows of pure white pain.

Lighting crackled nearby and woke Angel with a jolt. He sat up in his bed, glancing around in the dim lighting, looking for the demonic version of Buffy he'd met in his sleep. But instead he found himself alone in his gloomy mansion, in game face and covered in cold sweat. Rain was still poaring down outside. Thunder struck and swept flashes of light against the deep crimson hue of the curtains covering his bedroom window. Angel ran his fingers through his hair and drew in a shaky breath, trying to calm himself down. His recent nightmare wasn't the first he'd ever had in regards to Buffy, but something about this one left him shaken and disturbed. He wasn't supposed to have prophetic dreams, was he? Only slayers, psychics and certain other higher beings were burdained with those. _Not vampires._

So there was really no reason to alarm Buffy. She'd be just fine. He'd make sure of that.

Angel collapsed back on the bed, and stared out through the curtains and into the rain. He couldn't see much, other than the headlights of passing cars. Wind rattled branches of the nearby trees against the glass. He felt drained.

Suddenly his vampiric hearing picked up the faint sound of a phone ringing in the adjacent room. He padded out into the main hall and picked up his cellular phone from where he'd left it on the coffee table, answering the unknown caller with an impatient 'hello'.

"Angel? It's Willow. Hi."

He could hear sobbing on the other end of the line. "Is something wrong? What is it?" He asked, gripping the phone tightly. _Please let it not be about Buffy._

Willow sniffled and steadied her voice as best she could. "It's Buffy.. She was attacked last night.. Right outside the Bronze. There was nothing we could do.."

Angel swallowed hard. "W-What are you saying?" He asked, refusing to acknowledge the answer he already knew.

"It killed her!" Willow cried brokenly over the connection. "A vampire attacked her and it killed her!"

"A-Angel? Are you there? H-hello?"

The phone dropped lifelessly and shattered against the cold stone floor.

* * *

Angel parked his sleek black convertible outside the town morgue. He hesitated a moment outside the box-shaped building, before he marched up the stairs and through the front door. Immediatly his eyes landed on the person on-call, seated opposite from him behind a glass wall and a counter.

The clerk raised his eyes and looked at Angel. "Oi. What do you want?" He asked.

"I.. I want to see her - Buffy Summers. She's.. She was brought in last night." Angel could hear himself speak the words, but it was as though he were stuck in a surreal dreamworld, where nothing felt real and nothing hurt. Any minute now he expected to wake up at his mansion, with Buffy still fast asleep in his arms. He wanted to pinch himself so that this horrifying reality would sooner come to an end, but he was too numb to feel pain. And it hardly mattered, since no amount of pinching could wake him from this nightmare. Nothing could, since he wasn't sleeping. This was really happening; Buffy had died.

But at the same time Angel knew he would never believe it until he saw her lifeless body with his own two eyes. Perhaps this was all just a misunderstanding. A cruel joke.

It had to be.

"OK. If you'd just sign here.." The clerk pushed a pen and an open folder over to Angel. Once he'd written down what looked like his initials, the clerk stepped out of his office. "Follow me." He said and pushed open a steel door that lead to a long white corridor. The distinct, sterile hospital smell there invaded Angel's senses. _Buffy would have hated it here_, he thought dejectedly.

"Are you her boyfriend or something? My condoences. What a tragedy eh, such a young girl."

Angel gritted his teeth and glanced angrily at the man as they walked along the hallway. He'd never hated a person more than he did right now. He'd lost his whole world in one day, and all this man could say was 'what a tragedy, eh'?

The clerk kept chatting idly about his work, stuffing donuts into his mouth. And all Angel wanted to do was to break every bone in his body until he screamed his apologies and felt every bit as much agony as Angel did. _I'd like to see him open his stupid mouth, then._

What held him back wasn't his control over his emotions - it was Buffy's voice telling him she didn't need that; that she expected more of him. _And she was right._ Violence wouldn't solve his problems or make him feel better in the least. Not that anything could, other than Buffy herself.

"Through here." The clerk said then, interrupting Angel's train of thoughts. He pushed open a set of swinging doors and Angel followed in stride, entering the room where all the bodies were stored. The clerk looked around for a while before he found locker number 42. He opened the hatch and pulled out a metallic tray and the body of a woman laying on top of it, wholly covered by a white sheet. As Angel stepped closer, the clerk pulled back the sheet from the woman's face, revealing matted blond hair and familiar pretty features. _Buffy, _Angel held back a sob. Her eyes were closed and she had no expression, but she was definately Buffy. A hint of her parfume wafted to his nose, and it brought back so many happy memories from last week Angel wanted to bawl. It was all too much to take in, he could barely function.

"H-how did she..? What happened?" He managed to ask, still unable to tear his eyes from Buffy's motionless form.

"Her parents didn't want an autopsy.. It seemed like a pretty straight-forward case. The head trauma, the account from her friends of an attacker-- cops wrote it down as a mugging. But you ask me? I've seen some weird shit while I've worked here, man. Bitemarks, claw-prints, you name it. Could have been an animal attack, that's all I can say."

"Could you-- Could you give me a minute alone with her?"

"Sure, take your time. I'll be down the hall."

Angel waited until the clerk had left before he reached out and cupped the side of Buffy's face. She looked so tiny and pale, lying there on the cold steel with nothing but a flimsy sheet to cover her body. The thought that she had spent the whole day alone in the blackness of that locker was almost unbearable for Angel. Wouldn't she get scared? Wouldn't she need something for warmth? _No, of course not. Not anymore._

A single tear fell on Buffy's ashen white face. Angel quietly removed it with his thumb. This lifeless thing wasn't Buffy, was it? It looked like her, god it even smelled like her but.. Where was her _joie de vivre_, the twinkle in her eyes, her sweet voice? It had all gone, gone away. This empty shell was all that remained of the Buffy he loved. And soon enough, he wouldn't even have that. Even her body would be gone. Food for the worms.

The rest of the world would continue on as though nothing had happened, while his lay in ruins.

"B-Buffy.." Angel broke down in tears and clutched her petite figure to his. "Please don't leave me alone like this.."

Then Angel simply cried. There was no answer, there never would be again.

* * *

A few weeks passed before Giles finally mustered up the strength to go visit Angel at his mansion. Buffy's death had been such a shock for all of them, they hadn't been able to so much as consider work for great many days. But the Hellmouth didn't know of a grieving period. Quite the contrary, having heard of the slayer's downfall, Sunnydale had been flooded with more vampires than they could count. Giles felt it was high time they took action, before the creatures could launch a full-scale attack on the town's inhabitants. And for that, they needed help.

He knocked on Angel's front door, but there was no answer. The door creaked as it opened into the main hall. The place was a mess.

Walking through one trashed room upon another, Giles saw empty, discarded whiskey-bottles everywhere. Dust covered everything from the floors to the crimson red draperies that blocked out the light of day. The air was stale throughout the mansion, completing the atmosphere that reeked of misery and ruin. Shards of glass and shattered furniture coated the floor. _But no Angel_. Finally Giles found him in the master bedroom, passed out on the bed, one of the many blouses Buffy had left behind ceremonially placed next to him on the silken sheets.

Giles cleared his throat to awaken the vampire.

Angel leapt up at the sudden interruption, and attacked Giles in a drunken fit. Their struggle was brief and constrained. Since Angel was drastically weakened by not having fed for days, it wasn't difficult for the stake-equipped Giles to corner him against a wall. The Watcher prepared for the vampire's counter-attack, stake poised and ready to strike, but Angel seemed to have lost his fighting spirit. He merely sagged against the wall, eyeing Giles with a pained expression. Waiting perhaps, for him to plunge in with his stake and put him out of his misery. Giles stepped back and lowered his weapon. However, Angel was far from grateful.

"Why don't you just do us all a favour and finish me off?" He scoffed bitterly, the words slurring in his throat. Even though he'd drank enough to make the room spin inside his head, it still wasn't enough to supress the screams of anguish in his mind. Every time he closed his eyes, he met the sight of Buffy's ashen face, and he wanted to cry out from the pain of it.

Angel refocused his eyes on Giles, the father figure of Buffy's circle of friends. "Come on, don't tell me you haven't thought about it?" He spat out, meeting the man's icy gaze fearlessly, practically daring him to plunge the stake into his undead heart. "I killed Jenny, didn't I? Tortured you.." Angel forced a gleeful indifference into his voice, and grinned bitterly at the pain that appeared in the Wather's eyes. "Failed your Slayer.." At that last statement Angel's grin turned into a deep, sorrowful frown, and his voice deflated of any arrogance. Giles cleared his throat, the stake still clutched firmly in his hand.

"Truth be told, the sight of your death would please me. I can't deny that. But.." Giles' voice was deeply troubled and filled with emotion unlike of him. "Buffy would not have wanted that. She wouldn't have wanted any harm to befall you. As much as the rest of us failed to understand the sense in your relationship.. She did love you. And I believe you gave her some measure of happiness, too."

Angel tore himself free and staggered across the hall, grabbing a half-empty whiskey bottle and then emptying it's contents into himself. The liquor burned as it flowed down his throat, but Angel welcomed the sensation. "Happiness?" He frowned at the floor, swaying as he stood there, round-shouldered in the shame of his defeat. "How much good did that do her when some fledgling tore into her throat? How happy was she then, huh Giles?" Angel shook his head at the floor, sheer misery punctuating his every word.

"I was supposed to be her guardian angel, not the other way around.."

"Angel. The reason I'm here is because we need your help. Until the next slayer arrives to watch over the Hellmouth, we're all in need of protection, especially against Savina and vampire order!"

"So why come to me then, hmm? What am I, but useless?" Angel sighed as he collapsed on the nearby chair. "Not a man, not a demon.. not anybody's champion." He continued passively. "I wonder, if I ever had it in me? Or if I just fooled myself into thinking so, to justify my selfish need of her.."

"You'll tarnish her memory by acting this way!"

"And how exactly, am I supposed to act, huh? How am I supposed to go on? And for what? My great big redemption? I'd rather die a thousand deaths than live this.. mockery."

"Now you listen to me, and listen good! You can't let the world she gave her life for, be destroyed! That would undo her sacrifise, all that she stood for."

"What can I do. Nothing. I'll just get the rest of you killed aswell. Hell, I might even be the one doing the killing." Angel looked up at Giles, a good measure of guilt in his eyes for yet another mention to his brief revertation as his demonic self. "Giles.. Would you really want me there? Knowing, what you do?"

"It's not a question of want, but necessity. I'm not over-joyed by the potential, I won't lie to you, but I am not about to point-blank refuse your help either. She thought you worthy of a second chance.. that should be enough for the rest of us." Giles spoke. "Now you can choose to rot in here with the ghosts of the past, or you can choose to keep her memory alive by continuing her work. It's up to you. I shall be at the library, researching this latest threat. Be there, should you consider her important enough to be remembered."

"Giles." Angel called out after him, just as he was about to disappear through the exit. The watcher turned back, and waited for the vampire to continue. "How can you work? Now, when she's.."

"Someone has to. I believe she's taught us all that." Giles answered, and left Angel alone with his thoughts.

* * *

Later that day, the Scoobies sat gathered around the library table.

"So, ya really think deadboy's gonna show?" Xander flashed a nervous smile at Giles.

"To be entirely honest, I don't know. He seems to have taken Buffy's.. death.. harder than most of us will ever realize." Giles answered uncomfortably. The others needn't know the peculiar details of Angel's behaviour - not the way he'd been acting. Grief was understandable in the circumstances - they'd all felt it intensely over the last few weeks - but Angel had seemed bent on self-destruction. Giles wondered whether or not it had been the right decision to ask for Angel's assistance. Indeed, if the vampire's sanity was in questionable state, he might do them more harm than good.

But Giles felt compelled to give him the benefit of doubt. It had been Buffy's wish.. How could he refuse?

"I still can't believe she's really gone. It's like, any minute now I'm expecting her to walk through those doors and say; 'you look like you've seen a ghost'. Or something along those lines." Willow frowned sadly.

"Yes.." Giles smiled wistfully at the thought of his Slayer. "But as much as we will, undoubtedly miss her.. The Hellmouth has to be kept under our supervision. It is what she would've wanted us to do."

"Yeah. But why do we have to involve soul-boy?" Xander huffed bitterly, and closed the book he'd been flipping through.

"Well, there is the issue that our group, however dynamic it may be, is currently lacking--"

"The brawn. The superhuman strength. The one who'll be doing all the kicking and the hairpulling." Cordelia pitched in from across the table.

"Yes, Cordelia, thankyou. It is true that since Faith, our second Slayer, has turned up missing and Buffy's replacement.. is yet to appear.. The only logic alternative would be to turn to--"

"Angel!" Willow interrupted, nodging her head in the direction of the doors. Angel stood there, a good distance between him and the rest of the group.

"Hello Angel. We were expecting you." Giles greeted him. Even though the vampire had freshened up a bit, his eyes still looked bloodshot from too little sleep and far too heavy drinking.

"Man, what happened to you?" Xander eyed the dark haired man. "You look like hell."

"Oww, that hurt!" He shot a glance at Cordelia, whose heels had just connected with his shin.

"Hi." Angel merely replied.

"Do-- Do join us. We were just about to discuss, uh, the proper way to deal with our currently.. uh, Slayer-less Hellmouth." Giles suggested, and the eyes of the entire Scooby gang followed the vampire as he walked over to the stairs and sat down, keeping a good distance from everyone still.

"Right. So the patrolling. Now, do I really need to remind you that I prefer to stay alive over the joy of staining my 200 dollar shoes in demon goo? 'Cos really, common knowledge." Cordelia spoke up.

"One might dare say that's not all that's common about ya." Xander quipped, making the brunette beauty-queen fume back at him. "Well aren't you talking like a true expert." She sneered venomously.

"I can patrol." Angel spoke up, with an unnerving calmness.

"We're not suggesting you do it by yourself, Angel." Giles remarked. "In case you should run into the next Slayer, one of us should be there to inform her of your.. special circumstances."

Angel glanced up at the Watcher. "I work alone." He said darkly.

"But.."

"I'm not losing anyone else over this. I work alone."

Willow cringed as Angel stormed out of the library, leaving the twin doors swinging in his wake. "Well, that went well. On the scale of 1 to 10 where ten is the nuclear holocaust, and one is the.. Umm.. lack thereof?" She mused out loud, ever the optimist.

"I wish Buffy was here to deal with him." Cordelia sighed, and the silence that followed hung heavy in air._ They all wished that._

_

* * *

_

AN: Thanks for all the encouragement. It means a lot! g Another week till chapter 5!


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